I could feel the anchor of ICK pulling me down.
Stay here with Ernie. Do yoga instead. It’s 83 degrees before the sun has even peeked a ray over the treetops + you need an aqua lung out there.
I’m going, I quickly retorted and started putting my feet in my sneakers before my siren song luring me to sofa time revved up.
I was moving. YES. Yay me. I hit the street. I’m still moving. What a champ!
And then it hit me like a tidal wave of humidity. Running for me is NOW (for I have engaged in a multitude of relationships with it over the decades) a pathway to create wholeness in my relating to myself.
Here it is: circumstances will be what they are. Perhaps we can influence them. But control, no. We cannot control other beings. So what we can transform to create wholeness, fullness, joy, openness, + stability for our own lives is our relationship within. To ourselves.
Stability? Yes. Our relationship with ourself is where we can create stability in our lives. It’s not in our employment or our financial metrics, even our relationships with others. The sure thing we can create, our through-line in life, is our relationship with US.
In the swirl of TRYING in earlier years—trying to measure up to some societal norm of marriage, house, kids; of having an employer who bestowed upon me a retirement package; of executing someone else’s dreams in exchange for money while I let my own dreams wither in my soul—I overlooked clues pointing towards my diminishing relationship with my truest self. I would ball my fists under my pillow as I went to sleep, I would swallow my words when I really wanted to express my truth, I would wear a wardrobe I thought would be in-line with the crowd I was with instead of wearing the kaleidoscope of colors I favored from my earliest self-chosen clothes.
In the BEAUTIFUL new experience of a run, instead of the oppressive blanket of summer swelter, I chose to COMMIT SOLELY TO ME. Not to my resistance. I’ll say that again, as it was a game-changer for me. When I head out on sweltery mornings, a fair amount of grumbly grouching can be bouncing around my thoughts. “OMG this is crazy hot for this hour of the morning. When will we get a break in the heat. Aaargh, I wish I lived in Maine!” It gets airplay because on some level I commit to my resistance.
But what if I consciously commit differently? What if I Marie Kondo my commitment to one precious aim at a time? If I choose to fully be IN ZEST with ME, there is no bandwidth for my resistance.
I focused on feeling the space within. I ROSE within myself. I felt my ribs expand & my spine stretched to the stars. I felt gratitude for being out WITH myself instead of being curmudgeonly because summer running is not optimal for me. But my official training was set to begin … and so out I went. No striving. No kvetching. No dreading the hills or wishing I was done.
I was IN ZESTINESS. WITH MYSELF. Feeling not my relationship with the morning (that could easily stray into resistance territory). But content with my spirit. Honoring each breath as if it were new. And so it was.
A new experience. Thanks to being solely with myself, and not all that I might have resisted.
Thank you for sharing my practice with me.